is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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