Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
