so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
