it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
