Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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