I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
