I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
