God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize