You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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