I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
