Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
