You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize