So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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