Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize