Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
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