She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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