fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
