In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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