I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
