perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
