The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
