My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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