I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
