i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
