omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
