i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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