Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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