It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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