he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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