I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
