Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize