in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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