I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
