In the future we'll all be gay
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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