The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
