all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
