i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
