I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
