I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
