My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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