dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize