So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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