Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
