Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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