They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
