Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
