sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize