Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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