question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
