A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
