if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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