tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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