I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
