i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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