this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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