You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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