My friends, they love my intelligence
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
being pregnant is like rehab
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
