he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's rum buckets o'clock
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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